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No-Tell Boatel/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Here's a great idea for anybody who lives in a small house. It's a little something I call my spacesaver table. First thing you do is attach one edge of the table to the wall with a piano hinge. Now, you can take a hinge right off a piano, but be sure you tell the pianist first or somebody could lose a finger. Next thing you want to do is remove all the table legs with either a screwdriver or a fat person falling over it. Then you replace the front legs with these toilet plungers and mount them right up through the table as I've done here. And just like my own legs, they're not only decorative, they're also fully functional as coasters... And as snack bowls. But here's the best part when you finish dinner and you need room to square dance or gut a moose, you can easily get the table out of the way. And in keeping with my bathroom plunger motif, I'm using toilet paper holders as my handles. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Thanks to a wave of unbelievable luck and my ability to negotiate, I am now the proud owner of the possum lake motel. It's not just by the bay, it's by the hour. Uncle red? Yeah. Have you been borrowing my cds? Uh, not lately, the skeet thrower's broken. No, 'cause bonnie and I are trying to pick out music for our wedding. Oh yeah, well, I would suggest send in the clowns and who's sorry now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know, I heard when people have nothing interesting to say they make stupid jokes. Well, that's what your parents did. You know, harold, if you and bonnie are looking for a place to have your honeymoon, you might want to take a look at this. A quaint little spot I like to call the possum lake motel. I can get you a corporate rate. I know the owner. You bought that dump? I think the correct term is congratulations. Congratulations, mister dump owner. I bought the motel for 800 bucks, harold. 800 bucks for the entire motel, lock, stock and towels. All the towels, nobody's ever taken one. They can't, they're stuck to the rack. Why do you want to buy a motel? 800 bucks for a motel! I mean, the land value alone's got to be 50 grand. That's called business savvy, harold. Yes, yes. But you didn't buy the land, just the motel. What? Yup. Excluding all lands. And it says you got 24 hours to get rid of the motel because the land owners are actually going to build a new resort. So instead of them having to pay thousands of dollars to have the motel torn down, they got you to do it for free and you paid them 800 dollars to do it. Yeah, that's business savvy. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for a large section of charred countertop from what was formerly crazy bob's house of fireworks... In what was formerly downtown port asbestos. All right, cover your ears there, glen. Red, you got 30 seconds to get glen braxton to say this word... All right, winston. And go! Okay, glen, what do you call it when people workout? Stupid. Okay, no, no. This is a term for sit-ups, push-ups, jogging... Death wish. No, no, no, okay, no. Glen, what do you do in a fitness centre? I don't know. All right, all right all right, okay... What do people do to get their cardiovascular system pumping? Oh, watch the playboy channel. Okay, no, okay, okay. This is something your doctor told you. He told you, you need to get a little more... Oh, well, tell my wife that! Almost outta time here, red. Okay, okay. Glen, when you were a kid what did you do in gym class? Oh, I snapped my towel at the geeks, there we go! Welcome to talking animals with local animal control officer, ed frid. What do you got in the trap here, ed? Oh, it's not a trap, red. It's a beekeeper's box. Oh boy. There's about a billion bees in there. Oh... So what you got to ask yourself is why would anybody want to keep bees? Well, for the honey. For the honey? Yeah, it's not worth getting killed over a waffle topping, red. Okay, there's two ways you can deal with bees safely. One, is kill them all and push them around with a long-handled broom. Or you can smoke 'em with a smoker. Oh yeah, oh yeah, the bees settle right down with one of these, don't they? Yeah, this is good. Or better still, one of these. Oh boy. Oh yeah, oh yeah. [ red coughing ] okay, look in the box and see how docile the bees are. Oooh... [ bee buzzing ] oh god, he got me. Whoa!! Whoa! Red, you got to get the stinger out! Yeah, yeah, all right, all right. Good thing he got you in someplace I don't mind touching. Hurry up and get the stinger out. Oooowwww! You know, back when I was a kid, long family car trips were never a problem for one simple reason... We were all afraid of dad. But times have changed. Parents today give their kids respect and freedom and constant support. And man, are they paying the price. So this time, on handyman corner, I'm going to show you how you can enjoy a pleasant family car trip without reverting back to the pattern of parental discipline and behavioral standards that were apparently ruining all of our lives. Okay, the first step in giving kids their own space is to divide up the space so you can still have yours. I've cut this cardboard template in the exact shape of the gap between the driver and passenger compartment in my minivan. Now, this is just a template for something stronger. But don't use plywood or cinderblock, you want something you can see through. Kids can do bad things very quietly. I'm going to use this plexiglass, just need a little paint remover to get the words off there. I told abe nobody around here would pay extra for a handwash. I left this on for the kids. Now to cut the same shape out of plexiglass. Plexiglass splinters real easy so I've got a fine saw. Well, it's not real fine, but it's fine, and I cut slowly. [ rooster crows ] well, there's two weeks of my life I'll never get back. Now, I just put the plexiglass in place and hold it there, using the handyman's secret weapon. So I'm going to have a divider, you know, like they have in limos or police cars. I guess the same rules apply to rich people as it does to criminals. Don't want to treat anybody unfairly. Boy, this doesn't fit as well as I had hoped. I'll just use more duct tape. Oh, no, no. Wait a minute. Okay, we're good. Okay, the next step is to soundproof the passenger compartment. That way, your kids can listen to their own music without you constantly hearing words that need to be explained to you. So how do we get that soundproof recording studio décor? Look what I found in my shed. You know, I should probably get my cholesterol checked. Okay, let's give it a try. [ air horn blasts ] [ no audio ] hope the kids don't think I'm egging them on. [ rooster crows ] maybe I should have said that in the soundproof area. But we're not done yet. You really don't want other motorists to see your kids' faces and hand gestures. It's been my experience that motorcycle gangs have virtually no sense of humour. So to avoid those confrontations, we're going to tint the windows. Here again, cost is a consideration, but if you've got an old movie theatre in your town, go into the storage room and you'll probably find 3-d glasses. How about that, huh? It's functional and it looks... Functional. Your first trip should be to the 3-d movie at the drive-in theatre. That way the kids get the full effect and you won't hear a thing. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, I must have hit the childproof lock button. Harold? Harold!! Har -- [ no audio ] you know, sometimes people will come up and ask me why I got into television. My answer's always the same... To foster understanding between the sexes. We always get a good chuckle out of that one. The truth is I got into television because I'm just like television. Tv and I were born around the same time and with the same lousy reception. When tv and I were young, we were both small, we saw everything in black and white and we spent most of the day sitting quietly in the corner. But it wasn't long before tv hit the cable age and I hit middle age, and that's when we started to grow apart. We both got wider, but my viewpoint got narrower. The tv got less static, I got more. The only thing we had in common was you could press our buttons without even getting up off the couch. Now harold tells me that pretty soon the tv will also be the computer, the stereo and the phone, the hardest working thing in the house. Needless to say, this is where tv and I part company. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] sewage is a pattern of numbers. Number one, then number two, then... Number's up. You do the math. Well, I got the motel problem all worked out. shouting I'm trying to pick out a song for our first dance for the wedding! You think, "like a virgin" is too on the nose? How about two minutes of silence, harold? You can't start a wedding with two minutes of sil -- I meant right now. Okay. Hey red, red, red? Yeah? Now that you bought the possum lake motel, what happened to the video surveillance tapes? Oh no, I've got them all, they're beta. Oh, perfect, perfect. Now, look, if you find one, um, from room four on July 23, 1967, I'd be very interested in buying it. Trying to destroy the evidence? No, no. No, no, no. I was hoping it might jog anne-marie's memory. Well, you're going to have to hurry because uncle red has to tear down that motel in the next 12 hours. Well harold, I have a plan. Oh no. Oh yes I do, harold. Take a look at this. You've got a houseboat, you got a house. What's the difference? Huh, huh? You get it? Get it? No... No, we don't. You turn the house over, you've got a houseboat. I turn the motel over, what have I got? Shag carpet on the ceiling? No, sir. I have a cruise ship. Wow! All I got to do is flip the motel into the lake. The roof becomes the hull, the floor becomes the flat roof, I slap a 9.9 on the back there for some decent gas mileage. I turn a motel into a boat-el. It's going to be huge! It's going to be gigantic! It's going to be titanic! Red: Winston had got a couple of those model airplanes that you wind up, and sometimes it's hard to open the packaging on them. And bill was going to join them but bill thought it was a kayaking day and... You know, communications is a big part of bill's stupidity but he has a more aggressive approach to opening a package. Oh, oh, oh... Never work with a guy wearing a helmet, that's the rule there. So winston hands him all the parts, and he's going to take a look at the instructions, try to get it right and everything, and bill's got the a.D.D. Kicking in so he's -- he's just kind of doing what he was to do and funny how, you know, it's an idiot-idiot with bill. There, he's fine so winston hands him the second -- same approach basically. Bill is so talented that he can actually put the plane together without all the parts which I find... Now, he's looking at winston and that's too much work winding up that elastic so he's thinking, wait a second, is there some way that I can do a bit of a shortcut here? He gets an idea, why doesn't he take winston's work and kind of borrow it for a minute and he hands it back to winston. You can keep winding, winston. Meanwhile, bill's plane is ready to go so he fires it up there. And the thing with those planes is they set the tail on a bit of an angle so they'll do a big circle around, and bill probably should have thought that... Oh! And unfortunately, winston, in his pain jumped up and down on bill's airplane and so... And winston had let his plane go and it was going in a circle the other way, and you know, you wanna -- the heck with it... Oh! And it kind of jammed right in there. My golly. Whoa! That's two minutes for slashing, right there. So now they've got no planes so bill's got an idea. He's got the kayak and he's got the paddles and he thinks, "wait a sec., maybe we can take this up a notch." and they had found a small tricycle they're using as the landing gear and now they just need an elastic -- oh, there's your elastic, kind of like a wet suit -- a rubber deal. And he takes that onto the prop., and then bill hooks her on to the -- oh, boy! All right, I don't know about this. So bill gets in, and I'm thinking you know, you still don't have any wings do you? No, there's no wings. Bill, there's no wings. Bill... No wings. Oh no, you're good. You're good. Okay, all right. So winston's wind -- really putting the tension on there and getting her done... Okay, he's going to let her go, but he had wound it the wrong way which was unfortunate. You know, it's human nature to remember things as being better than they were, like say, your dating years or this old jukebox. Oh sure, it was kind of neat to see the arm swing over, pick up the record and then swing across so that the machine could play it and then put it away when it was done. Something you could never get your kids to do. But the problem was that all the records everybody liked got played to much they got all scratchy. The only ones that sounded good were like, the hanky panky by jim nabors. So what do you do when an old entertainment centre stops being entertaining? You do what jim nabors couldn't do, you modernize. All it takes is a little imagination and a b.B. Gun, and I can change this unit from a jukebox into a video game. Actually, you can change a lot of things with imagination and a b.B. Gun, like, where you'll be living for the next six months. Okay, let's see... Elvis, the beatles, barry manilow. Number one with a bullet. The bridge and groom will now have the first dance. How did it go? Did you manage to turn that flea-bitten motel of yours into a cruise ship? Uhh, pretty much, yeah. So did you pick out the songs for your wedding? Oh yeah, pretty much. You know, I was hoping maybe for a suggestion maybe something like the wreck of the edmund fitzgerald? Well, that's an odd choice, isn't it? Yeah, I just grabbed it out of the air, you know. Yeah, you must have, yeah. So no problems at all, you know like nothing broke, no personal injuries, no massive property damage due to something happening you hadn't anticipated like, say... Gravity? No, no, no, it went great. Oh good. So I can go see it, then? No, no, she's out on sea trials now and you know, a test run. You know, 'cause bonnie and I are really interested in booking a honeymoon aboard the ship. Okay, well, okay. Cruise ships are really for an older crowd, you know, and I think the boat-el cruise ship is very nice, but I think you and bonnie might enjoy something a little more exciting. Like living? [ possum squealing ] meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be down in a minute. Okay, but everything went well, though? It went as well as could be expected. I'm sorry. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I learned a lot today. Okay, maybe I lost 800 bucks, but when you flip over a seedy motel and you see the stuff that falls out of that thing, sure makes you feel a lot better about your relationship. I'm glad the batteries were all dead. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching and on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ chrs and applause ] guys, come on in, everybody. Everybody seated. C'mon guys, sit down. Everybody sit down please. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay men, good news. I have a bunch of used beds, bathtubs, sinks and toilets at a very reasonable price. If you want to see them, with the breeze and current, they should wash onshore around nine o'clock tomorrow. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com